I hate going to sleep just to think about all the friends I had.
whether or not I go to bed early, or go to bed in the morning, when i awake,
i will awake from another dream with you in it.

the memories we never got to have continue in my sleep, we smile together again, we get past it all, but i wake up,
and i will realize that dreams like those are the only thing i'll get.

the good times we had.
the good times we could've had.
even if its all over i'll never regret meeting them, even if it ended.
i can forgive them but i can never forgive myself.

Seven stiches was a small punishment for me.

I deserved to suffer for hurting somone. i wish i would've sewed my mouth shut before it was too late. I'll forever hate myself for saying those things, even though was never my intention to hurt him. someone who was so nice to me.
someone i wanted to be happy and cared for. and i hurt that person.

i hate that i didnt know how deal with my own problems. i was so caught up in wanting to die and not knowing how to get better that it tore me apart. i messed it all up.
for that i deserve to be abandoned.

the first 3 days in the hospital i refused help, i hated that people were being nice to me.
After not leaving bed for 2 days, I remeber i saw someone who reminded me of them. when they spoke i thought about how i hurt someone so kind and caring like them.
i then started to cry, i couldnt stop
i went to my room and stared off into space thinking about them. not moving.
The nurses would ask "is there anything i can do" "do you want water" "do you wanna talk" but i couldnt speak, i refused their kindness, i didnt want to get better because i deserved to suffer.


i still cant forgive myself, i still wonder if i should suffer even though ive been working hard to get better. i wonder if any amount of getting better would atone for my sins.

i wish i was raised how a child should be raised.
maybe then i'd know how to deal with things properly.

every now and then i remeber the crying child i used to be, its almost like for a bit i am them again. i remember how i had no one to go to, all the times i cried only to be yelled at. no one there to comfort me.
when i reached my hand out there was no one who held it.

i look at the current me, and i see that even now i have never got what i wanted. even now im still as lonley as the child i was.
no one to hold me in their arms. no one that stays.

Apart of me thinks i should've killed myself long ago, my life was never set up to be a good one. i wouldnt have suffered so much if i just killed myself sooner. but yet im still here.
I wish they raised me with the love a child should be given. why do i have to raise myself i hate it so much i hate it. all the neglect has lead me to belive there is no one who will truly love me even if they say it, that everyone will leave, this thought process that they have set for me has ruined me. its proved me right so many times. i want to vomit. i feel like for so long ive been waiting for someone to save me.

a part of me is glad to be hurt again, i deserved it for the past me who didnt understand enough.
i needed it to understand more. to get better.
him leaving me made me realise how much i needed to get better, how i couldnt keep going on as that person who didnt know how to deal with anything. even so i hurt him. i'll never forgive myself.

i hope maybe oneday i'll finnally heal from it all, i hope that if i try hard enough the wings i imagine will sprout from my sholder blades.
then finnally i will be able to fly out of the shell trapping me in.

im still scared of having friends. but i promise that with everyone i know now, and with everyone i will know in the future, i'll make sure no problem of mine is a problem of theirs.
i'll love them in the way i failed to love him.
no matter what i will be there for them.

i won't depend on anyone anymore.